At an ATM, this lady asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we just call him Dave.
If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns...
go for the juggler.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
2 fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says...
"How do you drive this thing?!"
Why are frogs always so happy?
Because they just eat whatever bugs them.
What kind of music scares balloons?
Pop music.
Why was the mama firefly unhappy?
Because her kids weren't very bright.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said...
"Sorry, my fault."
Is your refrigerator running?
Good, mine too! I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow!
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road?
Because it ran out of juice!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lac-toes.....come on, that was legendairy.
Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Sure Burt!
You can't run through a campground...
You can only ran because it's past tents
What goes "ooo, oooooo, oooo?"
A cow with no lips.
Have you hear the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
Whiteboards....
They are remarkable
I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home...
all the signs were there.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup...
and just had the largest vowel movement ever.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...
I was shocked!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
What is a golf club's favorite type of music?
Swing
A man got hit in the head with a can of coke...
but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno!......Dos!!!"
The poof! He was gone without a tres.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus?
What is a plumber's favorite shoes?
Clogs