Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Sure Burt!
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup...
and just had the largest vowel movement ever.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said...
"Sorry, my fault."
What is a plumber's favorite shoes?
Clogs
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
At an ATM, this lady asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Have you hear the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road?
Because it ran out of juice!
A man got hit in the head with a can of coke...
but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lac-toes.....come on, that was legendairy.
Is your refrigerator running?
Good, mine too! I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow!
You can't run through a campground...
You can only ran because it's past tents
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
What goes "ooo, oooooo, oooo?"
A cow with no lips.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...
I was shocked!
A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno!......Dos!!!"
The poof! He was gone without a tres.
If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns...
go for the juggler.
Whiteboards....
They are remarkable
My friend David lost his ID.
Now we just call him Dave.
What kind of music scares balloons?
Pop music.
Why was the mama firefly unhappy?
Because her kids weren't very bright.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus?
2 fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says...
"How do you drive this thing?!"
What is a golf club's favorite type of music?
Swing
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
Why are frogs always so happy?
Because they just eat whatever bugs them.
I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home...
all the signs were there.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll