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Dad Jokes

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  • How does a scientist freshen her breath?
    With experi-mints
  • Why don't eggs tell jokes?
    They'd crack each other up
  • Why did the music teacher go to jail?
    Because she got caught with the wrong notes.
  • What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
    Depresso.
  • Why do hummingbirds hum?
    Because they don’t know the words!
  • Why do plants hate math?
    Because it gives them square roots.
  • Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?
    Because he's always lion.
  • How do cows stay up to date with current events?
    They read the moos-paper.
  • What do you call a sleeping bull?
    A bulldozer.
  • What is the easiest way to burn 1000 calories?
    Leave the pizza in the oven.
  • Why did the math book look sad?
    It had too many problems.
  • Why did the computer go to art school?
    It wanted to improve its sketch-up skills.
  • How do bees get to school?
    On the school buzz
  • Why did the calendar go to therapy?
    Its days were numbered
  • What’s a math teacher’s favorite place in NYC?
    Times Square
  • Why was the math lecture so long?
    The teacher kept going off on a tangent.
  • What do you call a magician that loses his magic?
    Ian.
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?
    a gummy bear
  • Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
    Because her students were so bright.
  • Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
    He was a little shellfish!
  • Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
    It ran out of juice.
  • What do you call a pile of cats?
    A meow-ntain.
  • What did the horse say after it tripped?
    Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!
  • What did the stamp say to the envelope?
    Stick with me and we'll go places.
  • What did the paper say to the pencil?
    Write on!
  • What steals from you when you're in your bathtub?
    A robber duckie.
  • What do you call a fish that wears a crown?
    A King Fish
  • Why did the student eat his homework?
    Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
  • Why can’t you trust atoms?
    because they make up everything!
  • Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
    In case he got a hole in one.
  • Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
    To get to the high school.
  • Why did the banana go to the doctor?
    Because it wasn't peeling well.
  • Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
    Because he was a fungui.
  • What do cows read the most?
    Cattle-logs.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
    Nothing, they just waved.
  • What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
    The living room.
  • What’s red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.
  • Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
    They lactose!
  • I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.....
    Then it dawned on me.
  • Why are elephants wrinkly?
    Because you can’t iron them.
  • What did one wall say to the other?
    I'll meet you at the corner
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • Why did the coffee file a police report?
    It got mugged.
  • How does a penguin build its house?
    Igloos it together
  • What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
    58
  • What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?
    Oh, snap.
  • Why did the lettuce win the race?
    Because it was a-head
  • What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground Beef
  • Why was the computer cold?
    It left its Windows open.
  • What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
    Supplies!
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