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Dad Jokes

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  • What do you call mac 'n cheese that gets all up in your face?
    Too close for comfort food
  • Why don't eggs tell jokes?
    They'd crack each other up
  • Why do vampires always seem sick?
    They're always coffin
  • What rock group has four men that don't sing?
    Mount Rushmore
  • Why did the math book look so sad?
    Because of all of its problems
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field
  • How does Moses make his coffee?
    Hebrews it
  • Where do fruits go on vacation?
    Pear-is
  • Two vegans get into a fight
    Is it still considered a beef?
  • Where did you learn to make a banana split?
    Sundae school
  • Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
    It was a brief case
  • Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
    They have no body to go with
  • Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?
    He didn't have the guts
  • What's ET short for?
    Because he's got tiny legs
  • What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
    Supplies!
  • What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
    A satisfactory
  • A skeleton walks into a bar. What does he say?
    I'll have a beer and a mop.
  • What do you call an ant that has been shunned by its community?
    A socially dissed ant
  • Did you hear the rumor about butter?
    Well I'm not gonna spread it!
  • When does a joke become a dad joke?
    When it becomes apparent
  • Can February march?
    No, but April may!
  • I don't trust stairs.
    They're always up to something.
  • Want to hear a joke about construction?
    I'm still working on it
  • How does a taco say grace?
    Lettuce pray
  • When I was a kid, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be when I grow up.
    Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  • Why did the old man fall in the well?
    Because he couldn't see that well
  • What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
    European
  • What's brown and sticky?
    A stick
  • Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
    They just seem a little shady
  • What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
    Nobody knows.
  • What do Santa's elves listen to as they work?
    Wrap music
  • What concert costs just 45 cents?
    50 Cent featuring Nickleback
  • What did the zero say to the eight?
    That belt looks good on you.
  • What do you call a fake noodle?
    An impasta!
  • How do you make a Kleenex dance?
    Put a little boogie in it
  • What did the ocean say to the beach?
    Nothing, it just waved
  • Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
    "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
  • What do you call a fish with two knees?
    A two-knee fish
  • What do you call a poor Santa Clause?
    Saint Nickle-less
  • A cheese factory exploded in France.
    Da brie is everywhere
  • Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
    It was two tired
  • What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
    Yellow!
  • What do sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing, they fast!
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