What did the coffee report to the police?
A mugging.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...
It was just gathering dust!
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Dad, can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
I'm on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.