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Christmas cracker jokes (funny and very cheesy)

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  • What did Santa say to the smoker?
    Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf.
  • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
    Santa Jaws.
  • Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
    A mince spy.
  • What kind of music do elves listen to?
    Wrap
  • What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
    Jingle Smells
  • What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney?
    He felt Claus-trophobic.
  • What athlete is the warmest in winter?
    A long jumper.
  • Who is Santa's favourite singer?
    Elfis Presley.
  • Why do birds fly south in the winter?
    It's too far to walk.
  • Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
    He had no body to go with.
  • What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
    The elf-abet
  • What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
    He pulled a cracker. (Phrase used during the festive season to describe going out with a view to hooking up with an attractive person.)
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads?
    Ice caps
  • What do you call an old snowman?
    Water
  • Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
    Because he had a low elf esteem.
  • What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
    Horn-aments
  • How do snowmen get around?
    They ride an icicle.
  • What did the farmer get for Christmas?
    A cowculator.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite
  • What do snowmen have for breakfast?
    Snowflakes
  • What happens to elves when they are naughty?
    Santa gives them the sack.
  • What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
    Tinsillitis
  • How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
    No Brussels
  • What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
    It's Christmas, Eve.
  • What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
    A chew-chew train.
  • What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
    A Christmas quacker.
  • What goes "Oh, Oh, Oh"?
    Santa walking backwards.
  • What do you call a cat in the desert?
    Sandy Claws
  • How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
    He keeps a logbook.
  • Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?
    Because of his poor elf.
  • What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
    He got 24 days.
  • Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars?
    Their days are numbered.
  • Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
    Because they always drop their needles.
  • What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
    Mistle-toad
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