Apart from this, my tour guide: Jack was unpromising and unconvincing, providing unhelpful advice using words such as ‘rarely’ or ‘unlikely’.
EBI: wrong use of 'Apart from' and incorrect HLP and WW: unpromising
15
Needless to say, being only equipped with a torch, broom and ball of twine while searching for a dangerous predator in the dead of night in the wild, is not only highly irresponsible but also incredibly negligent of safety protocols.
WWW: great detail and concision
15
Of the myriad of issues I encountered on your company’s night-time expedition, safety infringements are naturally of the greatest concern.
WWW: great voice and high-level vocabulary
15
I was terrified and pissed off at the same time due to the fact that I was not been told I need insect repellent and also the insufficient amount of safety equipments. For example, a life-jacket and a torch.
EBI: word choice too informal / tenses/ equipment (UC)
20
Without having any safety equipment, I could have drown which could have been potentially fatal if I did meet a crocodile.
EBI: word choice : drowned
15
First and foremost, the overall safety of the expedition must be addressed; with an unstable canoe and lack of any basic safety gear such as life-jacket, I was fearful of my every move especially knowing the dangers that lurked below.
WWW: concision and cohesion with good details
15
Regards, Bob
EBI: use your full name (surname) when signing off a formal email
