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Dad Jokes
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired
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What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
Yellow!
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What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish
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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory
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When I was a kid, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be when I grow up.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved
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Can February march?
No, but April may!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick
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Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it
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Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
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Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
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How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
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Two vegans get into a fight
Is it still considered a beef?
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What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field
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What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback
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I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
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Where do fruits go on vacation?
Pear-is
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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They just seem a little shady
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What do you call mac 'n cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
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Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
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How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it
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What do you call a poor Santa Clause?
Saint Nickle-less
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What's ET short for?
Because he's got tiny legs
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Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
They have no body to go with
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Where did you learn to make a banana split?
Sundae school
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Why do vampires always seem sick?
They're always coffin
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
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What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European
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A cheese factory exploded in France.
Da brie is everywhere
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore
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How does a taco say grace?
Lettuce pray
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Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I'm not gonna spread it!
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Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
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What do you call an ant that has been shunned by its community?
A socially dissed ant
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What do Santa's elves listen to as they work?
Wrap music
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Within minutes the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case
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Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?
He didn't have the guts
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A skeleton walks into a bar. What does he say?
I'll have a beer and a mop.
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