Checkout procedures at the Luxor Hotel chain are especially designed for the businessman in a hurry.
Not courteous. Use gender-neutral terms such as “businessperson” or “executive.”
We will re-evaluate our marketing strategy after the new chairman is hired.
Not courteous - Use gender-neutral terms such as “chairperson” or “chair.”
There is a steady flow of people crossing back and forth across the road while the cars are waiting in lines up to 300 yards.
Not concise -> A steady flow of people crossed the road, causing 300-yard-long traffic jams.
In order to provide a mechanism by which customers may air their problems concerning product quality, the company has established the following procedure for registering grievances for all purchasers.
Not concise -> We care about customer satisfaction, so please use the following procedure to make a complaint.
The owner’s manual for your new clock is enclosed herein to assist you in utilizing all the convenient and useful features of your new device.
The owner’s manual explains all the features of your new clock.
With a broken leg, the ambulance rushed to the scene
With a broken leg, the patient was rushed to the scene by the ambulance
A fair percentage of the company’s tool-and-die stampers have developed mechanical problems.
Not concrete/specific -> Five of the company’s nine tool-and-die stampers have mechanical problems
In order to provide a mechanism by which customers may air their problems concerning product quality, the company has established the following procedure for registering grievances for all purchasers.
Not concise -> Use the following procedure for customer complaints.
She decided to evaluate the program, which would take five months.
Not clear. - Her evaluation of the program will take five months. She decided to evaluate the five-month program.
The proposal was rejected, and further discussions were subsequently initiated by the team.
After the proposal was rejected, the team subsequently initiated further discussion.
The entrance exam was failed by two-thirds of the applicants.
Not clear or concise. - Two-thirds of the applicants failed the entrance exam.
Alex urged the executives to make an approval the proposal for the company expansion.
Alex urged the executive to approve the proposal for the company expansion.
There was a traffic accident at Bay and Main streets yesterday.
Not complete -> Three people were injured, one seriously, when two cars collided at Bay and Main streets yesterday.
If you can’t use the new iPod, please return it back to me.
Not concise. -> “Back” is redundant.
Springfield, Ohio, is a small city
Not concrete/specific -> Springfield, Ohio, is a small city of 60,000 residents.
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