While being homesick, she had grown quite attached to the swans
Points don't link / organisation issue
25
The possibility of dislocating a knee during take-off and the instability of the paramotor were all contributing factors....
inaccurate content - she actually did dislocate her knee (not a possibility but a fact)
20
The cold temperatures during the journey was tough
temperatures / were
15
These have increased the difficulty of positioning the swans as well as hindered conservation and research.
Not in the text/ inferring too much
20
A 7000 km journey, frigidly cold temperatures and doing it all from a swan's perspective are factors making the journey challenging
were factors (past simple)
15
A more trivial but still significant moment was the realisation that a swan had perished after going missing. Whilst not a huge logistical setback, it was still an emotionally powerful moment for Dench
Lack of concision - unnecessary wording
20
When flying, the temperatures will drop and she cannot stay warm by moving her arms because it destabilizes the paraglider
Tenses/ should be in the past (would/couldn't) not a paraglider
10
She spent her time in a hospital getting a MRI. Additionally, she had dislocated her knee during a take-off
Combine these sentences as they are part of the same point
15
Therefore, losing track of the swans is inevitable and saddening as Sacha got emotionally attached to them - possibly due to the lack of civilization
tense: was / too much inference
10
On the other hand, she had concerns of disturbing other migrating birds, also having to deal with uneducated, Russian children who hunt for migrating birds
Wrong linker/comma splice/prepositions (concern about/hunt)/ repetition of migrating birds
